A Child in Time
by SouperDfly
Summary: After the events in New York, Dr. Erik Selvig runs away. Jane is looking for him, S.H.I.E.L.D is looking for him but Erik is trying to find himself. With the Help of a ghost from the past, can he find himself? RE-WRITTEN, REIMAGINED. Grammar checked by my Nan :) Read and Review please :)


Child In Time_  
_

_Set after events in New York._

Dr. Erik Selvig adored Jane Foster like a daughter, he'd do anything for her. Like the time he forged an I.D for Thor, just because he saw that gooey look of love in her eyes. He did it even though he didn't really like Thor at the time, not to mention the fact he was committing a serious crime, and he did it all in the name of love. Ever since that fateful day in New York, he had felt extremely uncomfortable around her. Loki was gone, safe in Asgard with Thor so he took leave from S.H.E.I.L.D and returned to his old post at Culver University, with faint hopes that he could return to some form of normality.

When he did this Jane practically moved in with him. She thought staying with him would help. He appreciated that she cared about him but around Jane he always muted his emotions. Erik Selvig was by no means an emotional man but when a god enslaves your head, and you build a portal that allows aliens to kill innocent people, even the most stone-hearted of men needed to break sometimes. With Jane there he couldn't do that, so he hid his emotions from her. He would cry in the shower letting his tears be washed away by the water. It was also the stubborn Viking spirit in him that refused to accept that he was having some kind of mental breakdown.

He had no energy to do anything, lethargic, almost anaesthetised, numb. Selvig always set his alarm at 6 am, regardless of weekends but lately when the digital beeping of his clock went off, he hit snooze and his head barely hit the pillow before his eyes closed and he went back to sleep. Not only did he have trouble getting up in the morning after a few weeks he began to have trouble sleeping as well. He would lie awake staring at the ceiling for hours, his mind a constant turmoil, until he drifted off into a troubled sleep, and thats when the nightmares began. The dreams were always the same. He would kill Jane, her blood stained his hands and, in the dark mirror, he could see the twisted smile on his face, oblivious to what he'd just done and Loki always laughing manically in the corner. These dreams always felt so real to him and it brought back flash backs of New York and the desolate feelings of being trapped under Loki's spell. It was like having a giant hangover, only this one lasted for months.

One Sunday morning when Selvig woke things had changed. This dream had been different. A little boy, blonde hair streaming in the wind, ran through the trees giggling, he felt he knew the boy but never got to see his face. The sky was blue, the sun shone and Selvig laughed too as he followed him.  
"You will know peace" echoed a familiar voice, _his voice_. Then he saw _him_ there in the distance, Loki Laufeyson, and Erik felt afraid as a strange stabbing pain pushed through his body and his eyes turned an unnatural blue.

The sky turned black and the sun was gone but it wasn't night, there should have been thunder but none came. "He can't save you!" bellowed Loki. "Oskar!" screamed Selvig but it was no use, no sound came out. "Papa!" the little blonde one turned and ran towards him, unaware of what was going on around him. Erik smiled at those big blue eyes and the boy smiled back, the smile disappeared when Erik's hands closed around the small neck and he could not stop himself as he pushed the boy's head under the peaceful blue water. The boy's hands shot out from below the water, the little hands trying to pry Selvig away but Selvig was too strong. Eventually when the thrashing stopped Erik just walked away laughing, leaving the boy's tiny body on the beach. He knew exactly what he'd done and he couldn't stop it.

Erik's own scream woke him up, and the sweat ran into his eyes . 'Dear god, not that' he said to himself, sitting up in the bed, drawing his knees close to his chest as he fought for breath. That dream shook him more than the others because he recognised the place, he'd been there before.  
Shaking the thoughts from his head, he struggled to the shower and he felt like he was being pulled into an had to physically fight to get to the door of the bathroom, he was falling, falling into that black hole. Guilt overwhelmed him, repressed guilt he'd been harbouring ever since _that, _guilt he chose to ignore. His eyes welled with heavy tears and he broke down on the bathroom floor, he was a wreck, his sobs hurt his chest as he cried. Faintly, he heard a commotion from Jane's room and moments later a soft knock sounded at the bathroom door.

"Erik, are you alright," asked Jane. Erik so badly wanted to open the door and let her in but he couldn't let her see him like this, because he really was a mess. He also knew if he opened that door, he burdened Jane with his emotional baggage and she didn't deserve that. For weeks he'd been lying to her, pretending he was okay when he wasn't. Stubbornness he called his name again he found it very hard to answer. "Yeah?" he croaked fighting the quiver in his voice.

"Are you okay?" Jane's voice was low as if speaking to a child, a distinctconcern in her voice."Yeah" he tried to fight the tears in his voice, but he didn't think it worked.  
"Can I come in?" Jane used that tone again, the doubt was there and Erik felt terrible for being its cause. Erik unlocked the door and to allow her in.  
Jane was there in seconds, on the floor with him, wrapping her arms tight around him. The warmth of her embrace made him cling on tight. Never in all the years he'd known her had he broke down like this. When Jane had been just a teenager and she was crying after a really bad break up with a boyfriend, he was there holding her but now the roles are reversed and he clung desperately to Jane.

" I don't know what's wrong" Erik's voice quivered and fell to barely a whisper "I just feel this need to go" his head fell to her neck again and he shut his eyes tighter, his tears falling onto her shirt.  
"Need to go?" Jane answered, lifting his head so their eyes met. He couldn't meet her eyes, he felt so ashamed. "Erik, look at me" she spoke, her voice firm and commanding , when he met her eyes he saw the tears and this time he felt so ashamed. Jane grabbed his hands before he could move.  
"I've been watching you fall apart for weeks" she said looking directly at his face, her hands, vice-like on his. "Do you know what that feels like?"  
"I'm sorry" he mumbled, his eyes fell away from hers as he shied away like a child."No Erik, there's no need to apologise" her hand reached out to touch his cheek, reassuring him that she understood "Why didn't you tell me."  
"Because I felt so ashamed", he whispered and tried to look away.  
"It's not your fault" she said, and shushed him gently, trying to reassure her friend, but this angered Selvig.  
"Stop saying that!" he yelled, trying to back away from her, the kicked puppy look she gave him made his heart hurt and he seriously hoped she would forgive him for shouting. "You can't blame yourself!" Jane yelled back.

The two of them stood there, the silence in the room was deafening. After several minutes it was Erik who spoke first "Consciously, I was aware of what I was doing, I knew exactly what I was doing… I should have been stronger… I should have fought against him"  
"You know you couldn't" Jane was desperately trying to convince her friend, she stepped over to him again and hugged him. They stood, huddled together, in the silence for a few minutes then Erik spoke again, his eyes clenched tightly together, holding back the tears.

"I could have at least tried but I didn't." he whispered into her hair and she hugged him tighter. It was then Erik had an overwhelming urge to flee, he hadn't felt like this before. Pulling away from Jane, he made a beeline for his bedroom, and, grabbing a holdall from the wardrobe he began to throw in some basic essentials.  
"What are you doing?" cried Jane, shock in her voice as she saw Erik mindlessly raiding his wardrobe. Her voice startled him, but it didn't stop him. "I need to go" he said as he carried on packing.

"Erik, stop" she commanded, she was really worried about him now, she'd never seen him like this.  
"He fucked me up inside" he admitted, tapping his head "I don't feel like me anymore". It was the first time in weeks he'd said something that wasn't a lie to her, he thought it would make him feel better but it didn't. "Erik please" Jane pleaded; she wanted him to stop this, to end this madness. He grabbed the holdall and his passport from the side table and tried to open the door but she stopped him again, standing in front of it.

"Jane, I need to leave, I need to get away" Erik tried to move her, he was desperate to get the hell out of there, all he wanted now was to just get in his car and drive but she shut him down again. "I can help you" she begged "I want to help you" but then she saw that look in his eyes and she moved aside. "I know" he said walking past her.  
"Where will you go," she asked when they got to his car, and Selvig honestly didn't know himself and he couldn't give her an answer. "Let me come with you," she implored, but he told her this was something he needed to do alone.

He gave her instructions to hand in the resignation letters to both Fury and the Dean. Something about the whole situation seemed final, like he wouldn't be coming back. Erik started the car and looked down the drive way one last time. "How do I get a hold of you," she asked  
"I'll find you, I don't want you to look for me" he winced after he said it because he know it sounded bad. She asked how long he'd be and again he couldn't give her a sure answer because he didn't know himself. "As long as it takes."

As he revved the car and made a move to set off, Jane tried once more to convince her friend that he was making a mistake.  
"You don't need to do this" she pleaded with him, but this time she knew it was absolutely no use what so ever, he was adamant.  
"I think I do",he said, as he drove off and as she watched the tail lights blur and disappear into the distance. Jane Foster muttered "Be safe", knowing he couldn't hear it, and then he was gone.

Erik cried all the way to the airport, silently, with the tears running down his cheeks. He was so sorry, he knew this would hurt Jane and worry her but he couldn't handle being there anymore, it reminded him too much of the whole New York thing. He had heard the whispers and the murmurs from the staff at the University. He was sick of Fury calling him, asking him when he would be back. He could handle that but combined with the nightmares and the anxiety attacks, it was suffocating him. It was like Loki was punishing him.

The whole New York business had dredged up things from the past that he hadn't thought about in years, 29 years to be exact and that was why he needed to get away.  
When he got to the airport, he dumped the car in the parking lot; he wouldn't need it anymore. With his one way ticket, enough money to last him several weeks and his holdall under his arm, he boarded the plane that would take him home.

Sweden.


End file.
